texaswildfire

Ride to school = Marc
First three classes then mom comes to pick me up.
I have a doctor's appointment.
She fills out all the forms in the waiting area.
I get the pleasure of looking around at the other people in the room.
My eyes immediately land on her.
The one person I wish wasn't here.
Allison Chandoor.

She is light like Marc.
They share the same jade eyes and dark hair.
Only hers is pin straight. Long. Glossy.
She wears khaki slacks and a pink/grey pinstriped shirt.
Very put together.
Maybe that's why I completely go from white to deepest red when they call my name.
"Rosemary West"

Mom stays behind.
I get a stupid gown and am told to submit a urine sample then change.
Everything off.
Except my socks.
They make me feel...less exposed, somehow.

"Miss West," the friendly female doctor greets me as she walks into the room holding a clip board. "It's a pleasure to meet you. Your mother has been a patient of mine for many years now. I suppose that's why she trusted me with you."

"Yeah, that's it," I say, trying to sound nervous instead of rude the way the cold is making me want to act.

"I need to ask you a few questions before we begin, if you don't mind," she says, standing across from me, readying her pen by pulling off the cap with her teeth. I shake my head. I don't mind. And...she starts. "Can you please tell me your birthdate?"

"July 17," I tell her. "I'll be 17 then."

Her questions get more personal.
When did you get your first period?
I was 12.
Have you ever had sexual intercourse?
No.
Anal intercourse?
Of course not.
Oral sex?
No.
Had any sexually transmitted diseases?
Obviously not.
Been pregnant?
No, the Catholic church has not recognized me as the next Virgin Mary so...no.
Had an abortion?
You have to be pregnant for that. No.
Smoke?
Secondhand.
Drink?
Nope.
Use drugs?
Occassionally, I will shoot herion.
No.

The exam is quick.
Not painless.
Uncomfortable.
But I get what my mother wants.
I get to go choose where we have lunch before going home.

"I am sure it was a horribly embarrassing moment for you, Rose, but this needed to be done," my mother says while skimming the menu, treating the doctor's visit as if it's a bigger deal than it is. "It won't help protect you from everything so you still need to be careful. And it takes a while for them to work."

"She told me that. Not that I plan to really put them to good use until, well, I am ready for it. I have bigger things on my mind than having sex," I tell her, setting my mind to getting the biggest cheeseburger I can.

"Forgive me but, what has your mind now? Has something happened between you and Marc already," she asks, suddenly too interested for my taste. "I'm not saying that it's wrong if something has, but, if it has, I just hope that you protected yourself."

"It's nothing to do with sex," I mumble, hoping the waitress headed our way hasn't caught the conversation. "More like prom, which I suppose gives off the impression of having sex. I just don't have a dress, couldn't find one I liked and I refuse to ask dad for the $700 I would need for the only one I did. I was kind of hoping you'd have a dress in your closet I could wear. Something. Anything. As long as it fits."

"I will find a few for you tonight," she smiles. "You know, I rather enjoy this, Rose. Sitting with you and talking about your life. I am rather excited about all the things I will learn about you. My time hasn't always been for you, and I'm sorry about that. Your brothers are just very needy people. Always seem to be in trouble."

"Believe it or not, I understand that, mama. I kind of like being in the shadows," I tell her honestly. "It lets me read in peace while you and dad are screaming at Seth for selling pot or trying to make sure Jonah has an audience at whatever play he's going to be in."

My mother looks at me.
No smile.
She suddenly looks sad.

"I am sorry," she says under her beath.

We eat in silence.
I have made her upset.
Something I quickly get over once I get home.
I have better things to do.
Like sit on my bed examining the stupid pills I was given.
These little things will help me not get pregnant.
These things turn some girls into whores.
They don't look like such a big deal.

I put them in my drawer by my condoms after I take the first one.
2:15 p.m.
I have to take all the rest at the exact same time until they run out.
Great.
I just doomed myself.

"Rosie, Rosie, Rosie, did you play hooky today," Seth teases as he comes through my bedroom door just over two hours later. He's still sober. I'm glad. "Marc noticed you gone at lunch time and I got suspicious. What made you come home?"

"Had to go to the doctor," I tell him, pulling a pair of blue jean shorts and a long black t-shirt from my lower drawer. "Why was Marc looking for me?"

"He didn't tell me but I found it just off the path of normality. Everytime your name would come up in conversation before he would only speak as if you weren't real, like you were some model in a magazine he would never really know," Seth says. "Then, all of a sudden, he's giving you rides to school and asking about you on a level that I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with."

"What does it matter to you who I ride to school with," I ask him, searching through a box on my dresser that holds my clips and ponytail holders. "Though, I couldn't care less if it makes you uncomfortable. What I do is my business, not yours."

"Usually that is the case, Rosie, but when you start talking to, and more, with a friend of mine, it becomes my business. Don't think I don't get it," Seth starts. "You have had a crush on him for a few years. Ok. He's smart and has a million things lined up for the future. He's kind of good looking."

I shoot him an odd look. Quizzical.

"I'm comfortable enough in my own sexuality to admit that he's attractive," Seth explains as he plays with the clothes on my bed. "You could do worse than him but, Rose, just take care of yourself."

"It's a bit late to play big brother to me," I sigh. "After all the things that happened with Elliot, you never so much as talked to him. Or me. You didn't even care. You just smoked weed in the back yard with Jonah and Noodle and didn't even bother to even act like you knew what was going on with me. Why don't you go do that instead of sitting here with me? Go smoke with Jonah and leave me alone."

He chuckles.
He doesn't leave, he just keeps on chuckling annoyingly.
He sits on my bed and starts to fold the hem of the t-shirt before him upward.
I sit across from him.
Seth looks up to me while his smile disappears.

"I did talk to Elliot just not with my fists the way I wanted to. Yeah, I saw how much it all hurt you and how much of an idiot he is, I know all these things, but did you really want me to sit down and play therapist to you? It wouldn't have been right," he tells me. "I just wonder how well you are. You aren't just using Marc as a rebound kind of thing, are you?"

"I wouldn't know how to do that if I tried," I say. "He's a good guy, though, Seth. And, if it comes as any consolation, nothing has happened with him. Nothing major. It's just nice to be with him."

"Nice enough to go to prom with, too. Yeah. I heard about it. From mom," Seth laughs. "Do you want some advice from me, Rose? Just a little, small bit about life that I actually know?"

I nod.
Seth yawns then pats my shoulder.

"Don't be so serious all the time, Rosie. Have some fun," he says. "The only time that matters is right now. That's why I smoke weed, that's why if I have a test, I study that same morning. That's why you never see me stressed. I have fun. All the time! Follow my advice, little sister. It will do you good."

He pats my head before walking out.
I lie on the clothes I pulled from my drawer.
Then, for whatever reason, I start reflecting on Seth's rightness.
Is rightness a word?
I need to have fun.
More fun.
Don't be so serious.
Do what I want for once.
Have sex. Smoke. Decorate the sidewalk with chalk.
Whatever I want.
Marc. Weed. Pastel shades of pink, blue and yellow hearts with broken lines.
Random boys. Cigarettes. A sun with a smiling face and orange rays.

Now, I just need one thing:
Bravery to do it.
To be who I want.
Just for the summer.

I take a shower.
Enjoy my shorts and t-shirt while having dinner.
Mom made stew.
Dad talks about his upcoming golf game.
Jonah says he needs another suitcase to take with him to camp.
Seth looks to me, knowingly.
He knows I'd rather be somewhere else.
With Marc.
He doesn't tease me, though.
He keeps it to himself.
It makes it easier to relax and sleep later.

For a while anyway.
I was restless in my dreams.
It carried over into reality.
I got myself out of bed just after midnight to go back down to the swing set.
Late spring air is full of warmth.
My hair is wild with the curls I didn't brush from it.
I love how it feels out here.
I made my way to the picnic table near a flower bed.
I laid on it and slept.
Slept better than I could have imagined.
And my dreams calmed.
My breathing and heartbeat followed.

I would be good.
I'd be okay.
I'd be...just fine until my next heart attack.